


Unforeseen Circumstances

by oleandy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Circumcision, Dinner, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Hand Jobs, Hospitalization, Hospitals, M/M, Making Out, References to Depression, References to anime, Star Wars References, Too many Star Wars sequels, Waiting Rooms, idiots to lovers, star wars sequels - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2020-04-06 21:18:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19070857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oleandy/pseuds/oleandy
Summary: Dirk catches up with an old flame over dinner, and when something goes wrong, he had to contact someone he never thought he would see again.(note my friend leo wrote most of this, i just edited and coded it)





	1. Bottom's Up

Dirk Strider felt the crust over his eyelid split as he slowly woke up to the sound of a phone ringing. The Sword Art Online op blasted as he scrambled out of bed and shuffled to the desk where he had hastily tossed the phone the previous night, over a crumpled shirt and a receipt for a baseball cap. 

 

The baseball cap, for the record, has a picture of a shirt printed on the top.

 

He picked up his phone and let out a groan as he saw the caller. 

 

Jake  _ Motherfucking _ English. 

 

He couldn’t just ignore his coworker, friend, former lover, etc., but he really was not feeling up for the emotional toll of another conversation with him right. Yet, Dirk accepted the call and held the phone to his ear, bracing himself for what was to come.

 

Jake: Strider!

Dirk: What.

Dirk: Dude can’t you see that it’s early?

Jake: Bro its flipping 4 pm what are you talking about

 

Dirk looked at the clock on his phone. Damn, the bastard was right.

 

Dirk: Must’ve slept in, sorry.

Dirk: What’s this call about?

Jake: Exciting news dirk!

Dirk: Something tells me it’s really not.

Jake: I think you will see my good man that this is pretty friggin exciting

Dirk: Okay consider my interest piqued then I guess.

Jake: Our show is the number one on the network!

Dirk: Oh cool. I can’t say I’m especially surprised considering we’re both gods but cool still

Jake: You should come over for a celebratory feast

Dirk: I think I can do that.

Jake: Roger that!

Jake: See you at 8 bro haha

 

As soon as Jake had hung up, Dirk frantically scrolled through his contacts.

 

_ No… no… not him, oh, perfect. _ He opened his messages.

 

Dirk: Hey Rose.

Rose: Yes?

Rose: This must be rather urgent if you’re awake before 5 pm.

Dirk: Listen. 

Dirk: I need you to give me the most alcoholic beverage you can, I need to get blackout drunk, so I can forget the next few hours of my life.

Rose: High spice strawberry Kombucha.

Dirk: Thanks.

 

Dirk clambered out the window and glided towards the grocery store.


	2. Wine and Dine

As the clock ticked to 7:30 p.m. and Dirk downed his fourteenth bottle, he decided it was finally time to head out. He carried the rest of the case with him as he floated towards the English mansion, his head swimming.

He had to assume his ordinary lack of clarity on the situation was caused by the extremely powerful neurotoxin Rose has recommended because _fuck_ , man. Dirk set himself on the walkway outside Jake’s house, stumbling slightly as he waltzed towards the door and confidently knocked. The door swung open to reveal Jake wearing a rather well-fitting tux and a pine green bowtie. He blinked in surprise at Dirk, who was wearing a pair of boxers and a shirt several sizes too big.

Jake: Ah!  


Jake: Er....  


Jake: Dirk my man!  


Jake: Pleasant to see you!

He stepped out of the way and motioned for Dirk to enter. As Dirk stepped into the house he noticed how well lit the room was, how nicely decorated the walls were, the floors ever so nicely polished, almost sparkling. Dirk took another moment to look over Jake’s outfit again, then to the small table arranged with a platter of steak or something equivalent to it. Dirk could not exactly tell from the distance he was standing at.

It finally dawned on him how utterly fucking unprepared he was for this... date. Yeah, this is a date, this is absolutely a date. How could it not be a date? ...Why the hell was it a date? Dirk was suddenly knocked out of his thoughts when Jake rushed over to his side and slung his (still rather beefy, Jesus Christ) arm over his shoulder.

Jake: Sorry for not giving you a dress code whoops

Jake: God i can be such a blithering idiot sometimes

Dirk: It’s okay, I don’t think my outfit would even be appropriate for a casual setting.

Jake gently guided him towards the table and the two settled down in their respective chairs. Dirk cut off large chunks of the steak and swallowed them like some sort of monitor lizard while Jake ate his like an actual fucking human being.

Jake: So how are things going in the locksmith business ey dirk?

Dirk: Jake, no one locks. I don’t even know if we have fucking cops on this planet.

Dirk: The only crime on this Earth is how fucking tight that suit is on you.

Jake: Hehe you like it my good man?

Dirk: Uh.

He wasn’t sure, at all, how exactly to respond in a way that didn’t make him sound like a giant fucking idiot. He had never been flustered like this before. _Goddamn_ , kombucha does things to you. Dirk finished off the last piece of his steak, feeling his heart hammer in his chest.

Dirk: So, uh.  
Dirk: What do you think we should do for our next season of... Wrestling Pumpkin House. Whatever the fuck it’s called I can’t remember.

Jake’s fork lowered from his mouth to rest on the side of his plate.

Jake: Dirk are you ok?  


Jake: Your demeanor is  


Jake: Just a tad odd if i do say so myself

Jake frowned, his soft face wrinkling with concern. Dirk stared at him from across the table, feeling his legs shake. He thought he was truly over Jake _but…_

Dirk leaned forward across the table, knocking into several plates and pushing a glass of orange soda over that Jake had set out specifically for him, and grabbed his ex-boyfriend by his bow-tie. Jake was briefly caught off guard, blinking in surprise. This befuddlement lasted only a heartbeat before he pressed his lips against Dirk’s. Two ex-lovers reunited in passion for the first time in four long years.

Dirk glided over the table, pushing the already-spilt cup off and onto the floor. It shatters, sending glass across the floor, but Dirk doesn’t care. Dirk doesn’t care about shit. There’s more important matters to attend to, such as him straddling English and riding his stupid ass until he breaks.

Dirk’s hands slipped away from their grip on Jake’s gaudy tie to his shoulders. Jake grabbed the collar of Dirk’s ratty ass pajama shirt and pulls him harder into the kiss. Dirk felt like he couldn’t breathe for a moment, so shocked that Jake would even consider reciprocating this that he simply forgot how to even fucking do anything else. Jake continued to take initiative as other hand wrapped around the back of Dirk’s head, running through his soft curly hair. Dirk traced his hand down Jake’s side and to his thigh, softly squeezing it. The muscle in his leg twitched beneath his skin and Jake broke away from the kiss for just a moment, his eyes glittering with the kind of admiration and affection Dirk hadn’t seen from him in years. He didn’t want to speak, afraid he would ruin it somehow. Jake pulled him back into the kiss, their glasses clacking together (like clashing swords in Dirk’s favorite anime, _Sword Art Online_ ).

Dirk was on a fucking mission now. He gracefully unbuckled the skull patterned belt around Jake’s waist and in one deft movement slid it from its loops. He lifted the belt to Jake’s neck and stroke the leather down its side. It was definitely real fucking sexy and totally not the dorkiest thing you can do. But hey, Jake appreciated it either way. Not having entirely planned out his seductive belt plan he shoved it into Jake’s hand so he could finish undoing the zipper around his pants. Jake was also not entirely sure what to do with the belt, but decided to grab it in both hands, wrap it around the back of Dirk’s head, and pull him back into a much harsher kiss than the one they had shared previously.

Jake pulled back from their sloppy kiss to let out a hiss through his teeth as Dirk pulled at the band of his boxers, exposing his dick to the cold air of his mansion. Dirk’s calloused hand wrapped around it, Jake hides his face in the crook of Dirk’s neck, breathing hard.

He rubbed the pad of his thumb against the slit, working Jake up. Jake leaned back in his chair as Dirk worked, clenching his eyes shut and raising a hand to stifle his moans, Dirk grinned for literally the first time in his miserable life. Jake whined out a please- as his ex-boyfriend almost too eagerly pumped his hand up and down the length of his dick.

And then the absolute _worst possible thing_ happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i dont write nsfw scenes so im so sorry but im even more sorry at what's to come
> 
> edit: fixed some of the formatting it was buggin me n my partner


	3. Unhook the Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm so fuckign sorr

He wasn’t sure how or why. He didn’t know what was different this time. Was it the alcohol, the longing, pent up emotion?

Nothing could have prepared him.

Dirk was feeling it pulse under his fingers just a moment before Jake fell back in his chair and the sound of skin splitting tore through the quiet intimacy, immediately followed by screaming.

Adrenaline shot through Dirk and he tried to push himself back onto his feet but he tumbled ass-first onto the floor. He looked down at his hands in a daze, and saw that they were bright red with- Holy shit, is that blood-? Holy shit. He forced himself to look at his ex boyfriend- and oh my fucking god. Dirk ripped his fucking dick.

Jake: WHAT THE FUCK 

Dirk: Oh shit. 

Jake: OW 

Dirk: Hey- it’s okay, calm down! 

Jake: I CANT CALM DOWN MY BLOODY FORESKIN IS TORN 

Dirk: Okay- okay I just need to think. 

Jake: THINK FASTER 

Jake: I THINK IM GOING TO PASS OUT MAN 

Jake: AAAAAAAAH 

Dirk: Okay I’m going to call an ambulance, try not to bleed out dude. 

Jake: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dirk reached for his phone before remembering that he was wearing boxers that didn’t have pockets. He had left his phone at home.

Dirk: Jake I’m going to have to use your phone what’s your password. 

Dirk: Jake. 

Jake: ...

Jake had passed the fuck out from pain. Dirk looked around in a panic before pulling Jake’s cell phone out from his front pocket and turned on the screen. Once it lit up, he immediately swiped the emergency call. He held the phone to his ear as it rang. He briefly wondered who Jake’s emergency contact would be as the line rang.

John: hello? 

Dirk: John- Holy shit, John. 

John: dirk? 

Dirk: I need you to get your ass to Jake’s house as quickly as possible. Dirk: It’s an emergency. 

John: why are you calling me from jake's phone? what the hell? 

Dirk: You’re his emergency contact, I don’t have his phone password, so you’re the only person I can call right now. 

John: oh wow, what happened? 

Dirk: I really, really, do not have time to explain. Dirk: I need you to hang up and get your ass over here while I call an ambulance. Dirk: And maybe clean up a little. 

John: clean up? what happened did you get attacked or something? 

Dirk: Just brace yourself. It's pretty fucking messy here.

Dirk hung up before John could question him any further.


	4. Savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me typing it saviour vs leo typing it savior: fight!
> 
> anyway happy dirkjohn week boys!

John sighed and swiped out of his “Vine Compilation That Cause Jasprose To Physically Manifest In My House And Give Me Twenty Bucks” tab and sighed, hastily putting on a t-shirt and stepped down the stairs, leaving through his front door instead of vaulting himself out the window like some kind of fucking heathen. He glided over the dimly lit streets of Salamander Village, motioning his arms as if he was sprinting in order to amuse himself as he flew towards the English manor.

Literally nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to walk in on.

John walked through the doorway to see his ecto-father lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor, absolutely fucking pantsless. A wash cloth was draped over his crotch while Dirk talked frantically to someone on the phone. He saw John and hung up.

Dirk: Thank God, I thought I was going to have to deal with the legal stuff.

John: legal stuff? what the fuck?

Dirk: I’m not immediate family, so I can’t make any decisions for him or even ride in the ambulance without his permission.

Dirk: Or your permission since you’re an emergency contact.

Dirk: I learned how this works after a wrestling match went awry.

John: wow is that how this works?

Dirk: I fucking guess so.

How the fuck did this happen? The sounds of sirens outside prevented John from questioning the situation. He would have plenty of time in the hospital to find out how Jake English got his dick destroyed.

\---

Paramedics wheeled the half naked Page of Hope into an ambulance then motioned for the two to follow. John crawled onto the bench, closely followed by Dirk. The door shut and the ambulance jolted as they headed off. He sat in uncomfortable silence next to Dirk, who had his nails dug into his legs and was clearly thinking hard. John noted that he appeared to be wearing what looked like pajamas, while Jake was wearing the top half of a suit. He scooted over on the bench so they were shoulder to shoulder and put a comforting hand on Dirk’s thigh, causing him to start.

John: look im sure whatever happened wasn’t your fault.

Dirk: …

John: you seem like the kind of person to blame yourself for things and you shouldn’t-

Dirk: Shut the fuck up.

Dirk shifted away from him.

Dirk: Look, dude, you do not want me to tell you what happened, because you don’t seem like the kind of guy who’s comfortable talking about that stuff.

Dirk: Trust me when I saw that what happened was not safe for work and 100 percent my fault, got it.

John looked away awkwardly, scratching the back of his head and trying as hard as possible to keep his brain from guessing the exact situation he had been called in to mend.

John: well at least he can’t die?

Dirk: Yeah. Dirk: What a fucked up twist of fate it would be for this shit, to be considered heroic.

John snorted. The ambulance slowed as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. The paramedics with them swung open the doors and wheeled Jake’s exposed ass to the ER. John and Dirk climbed out of the back and followed as the doors slammed shut and the ambulance slowly pulled into its garage.


	5. small talk

“You’re going to have to wait out here,”  
Dirk gave a death glare to the clerk at the desk and walk quietly to one of those weirdass chairs with the uneven patterns. You know, the ones that make you stare at them and try to figure out a better way to align them and unwittingly spend five hours looking at your fucking chair. Were those chairs designed specifically to piss people off? How had this bullshit carried through every iteration of earth? For the first time in his life Dirk didn’t have an answer.

John settled in besides Dirk, who quickly gave up the singular armrest provided by those hospital chairs. The waiting room was quiet, a few humans sat close together while a crocodile paced right next to the door. Dirk placed his hand on his knee, anxiously bouncing it. John was trying his best to distract him from the present.

John: you know what’s weird?  


John: i haven’t been in a hospital since i was six years old  


John: and this is exactly how i remember it being back then.  


Dirk: Huh.

Dirk snuck a glance at Egbert, who was watching him with worried eyes. 

Dirk: I think I found a hospital once when I was swimming?  


John: swimming?  


John: oh riiiiiiiight you lived in like, waterworld but real.  


Dirk: Okay, yeah, of course you’ve seen that piece of shit.  


Dirk: Liking shitty movies runs in the family I guess.  


John: fuck you waterworld was cool!  


John: i think?  


John: god i haven’t seen that movie in years.  


Dirk: I’m pretty sure the last time I watched it was about seven years ago.  


Dirk: Jake recommended I rewatch it and it was just as garbage as I remembered.  


John: you say this about every movie.  


John: do you actually  


John: *like* any movies?

Dirk frowned, thinking for a moment. Did he actually enjoy any movies made before John’s session started? He was pretty sure John hadn’t ever seen the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff saga.

Dirk: I thought the Evangelion movie was pretty good.  


John: haha are you joking!  


John: ok, ok, for my own sake i’m going to imagine in your universe that movie isn’t a heaping pile of garbage.  


Dirk: I find it an interesting character study, okay?  


John: what is your favorite anime?  


Dirk: What?  


John: i need to figure out exactly how bad your taste is.  


Dirk: No.  


John: what, are you embarrassed?  


Dirk: No.  


John: has no one questioned your movie taste before?  


John: like with your friends were you just the only critic.  


Dirk: Look John, my level of analysis when it comes to film theory is one you cannot begin to comprehend.  


John: ok what’s your favorite star wars movie?  


Dirk: Episode two.  


John: haha what the fuck.  


John: dude obviously the best one is episode six.  


John: darth vader killing palpatine was soooooooo badass.  


John: and the ewoks were super cool and fun.  


John: also lando redeeming himself.  


John: god, that movie is good.

Dirk watched him talk, his expression lighting up as he described the film. John gave him a goofy smile as he talked about his favorite scenes. He was passionate enough about the movie that just thinking about it caused him to emote, moving his arms to emphasize the aspects he found most important. Dirk caught himself struggling to suppress a grin.

John: sorry i just kind of talked your ear off about that.  


Dirk: I don’t mind.  


Dirk: Not like there’s much else to do.  


Dirk: Besides I thought it was ...nevermind.  


John: :/

Dirk set his hand on the armrest over John’s trying to look as though it had been an absent minded gesture. If John noticed, he didn’t seem to care.

Dirk: Man I’m bored.  


John: me too.  


Dirk: I just wish there was something to do.  


John: someone should tell the people running this place to get better internet.  


John: this stupid thing has been loading for the past twenty minutes!

Dirk looked over at John’s phone, which was a black screen with the telltale obnoxious Youtube loading symbol over it.

Dirk: What are you even trying to watch?  


John: a ranked list of star wars movies from best to worst to prove my point.  


Dirk: Oh, so you are trusting the judgement of some random guy on Youtube over an actual scholar.  


John: scholar of what? shitty anime movies?  


John: did you make yourself like a fake certificate for it?  


John: actually that’s kind of hilarious but also adorable.

The word shook him to his core. Dirk’s instinct was to dig his fingers into the surface they rested on but ended up lacing his finger’s around John’s hand.

John: uh  


John: hi?

Dirk looked away, shivering with the effort to keep himself from blushing. The video finally loaded, and the confused expression on John’s face melted into unmasked enthusiasm as he handed Dirk one of his earbuds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gotta admit i COMPLETELY forgot about this fic but it's time to curse the dirkjohn tag again boys
> 
> cant wait to post the horrendous sequel of bad porn, spiderman 69


	6. Scholarly Affliction

“Number 57: _Fuck Planet Two Still Fuckin’_. Fuck Planet Two Still Fuckin’ is the sequel to the wildly successful Grandpa Wookie spinoff. Released in 3505, Fuck Planet Two Still Fuckin’ had a name to make for itself as the first sequel to a Star Wars spinoff in over a century.”

Dirk and John sat next to each other, hands laced holding the iPhone as the seven hour long video finally approached its final minutes. They had become so enraptured by the video that it hadn’t occurred to them to check in on Jake’s condition. Dirk leaned his head into John’s chest as the pirated footage with a weird wavy filter to prevent copyright striking played on the small screen.

“Number 56: Episode XXI: Long Shadows. After a decade long hiatus following the apocalypse, episode twenty one was released only six months after the Earth was revived. This movie is the first crossover in Star Wars history, being an adaptation of a popular children’s book about cats but set in space with our lovable protagonists.”

John: wow they really lost the plot

Dirk: No kidding. Everything after XV was hot garbage.

John: how many other infinite franchises do you think exist?

Dirk: Considering the way Lord of the Rings was going in 2076, I imagine they’ve gotten pretty out there by now.

Dawn light was filtering through the sparse windows around the building. Dirk sleepily blinked up at John, whose eyes were weighed down by the hours spent awake and staring at the light of their phone. 

Dirk: Do you think I deserve to be loved?

John: huh?

The two were delirious with exhaustion. John looked down at Dirk, whose obnoxious anime sunglasses we falling off his face.

Dirk: I always screw something up somehow.

Dirk: I just want to help people and do the right thing but it always just makes things worse.

Dirk: It’d probably be for the best for everyone if I just sealed myself underground.

Dirk: Or died.

John: :(

John: i don’t think it would

John: i think you assuming what would be for the best is what messes things up, so you’re definitely wrong about this.

John: also.

John: we’d all miss you.

Dirk: John that sentence you said doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

John: i know i'm tired haha.

John: i was just wondering if you overthinking things is what makes them go wrong?

John: i just sort of wait for things to happen and go with that.

Dirk: How’s that working for you?

John sighed and rested his chin on top of Dirk’s head.

John: i don’t know.

John: it worked fine for sburb, but the end result is that i don’t know what to do with myself right now.

John: everyone else seems to have some sort of life figured out for themselves except me.

Dirk: …

Dirk carefully slipped his shades off and shifted to look up at John. 

“Number 45: Yoda’s Legacy Just Kiss Already. Yoda’s Legacy Just Kiss Already-”

Dirk took out his earbud and kissed him. John dropped the phone and almost cautiously brought his hand to the back of Dirk’s head, carefully lacing his hair between his fingers. John felt Dirk’s eyelashes brush against his cheek and sighed, some part of him afraid this moment would cease to be.

Something tapped his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i met god last night and asked him why and he told me benevolence is a sin - flame, 2019


	7. Homeward

???: Uh

John jumped and let go of Dirk’s head, the lack of stability causing him to lose his balance and fall into John’s lap. Luckily, the hospital wasn’t crowded. The few people there were staring in enraptured awe at the two gods making out in the hospital waiting room. One human had their phone out recording. In front of John stood a rather tired looking troll in a pristine lab coat.

John: hi, who are you?

???: Doctor Ramble, pleasure to meet you-

John: how’s jake?

Ramble: Oh he’s doing alright. Now don’t worry, he’s going to recover quickly. It wasn’t that serious of an injury-

Dirk: Why did it take so long to deal with then?

Ramble: Well, you see, his foreskin was about three quarters off, so we decided the best course of action would be to fully circumcise him, but the Cult of Foreskin has really taken off in this hospital and one of the surgeons said that circumcising one of our creators would be incredibly offensive to the cult so-

Ramble: We got into a really really long debate over whether or not circumcision on infants was a good idea and someone suggested we try to stitch it back-

Dirk: Can you please wrap this up?

Ramble: The stitches got infected so we had to undo it and ended up circumcising anyway-

Dirk: Okay?

Ramble: You asked-

John: can we see him?

Dr. Ramble nodded and motioned for them to follow him. Dirk and John walked through the hall, hands laced together. They entered the room where Jake lay, doped the fuck out on various painkillers and the remnants of the anesthetics.

Jake: Ahoy dandy boy hello

Jake: Haha wow you two buckaroos looking close wowza

Jake: Only took myself gettin my cock off to get the legendary hermit extraordinaire john egbert out of the house

Dirk: How are you feeling Jake?

Jake: Im doing just dandy dandy

Jake: How about ya eh?

John: jeez how much anesthetic did they give you

Jake: John, john i am somewhat infamously weak to any sort of booze er

Jake: Uh

Jake: Drugs are these drugs?

Dirk: Jake, go back to sleep.

Jake: Ay ay captain

Jake saluted, and then blacked out almost immediately. Dirk leaned over the railing on the bedside and John shuffled next to him.

John: so…

John: are you two like... 

John made a vague gesture with his hand.

a thing still?

John: should i not have...you know

Dirk: No we’re not-

Dirk: I don’t think-

Dirk took in a deep breath and straightened his back.

Dirk: I don’t know what we are.

Dirk: Last night was the first time in years we had done anything like, romantic.

Dirk: I was so determined to be over him but when you spend your entire childhood being in love with someone and sure that you’re supposed to be together…

Dirk: You can’t just let go of those feelings so quickly.

Dirk rested his hand on John’s shoulder.

Dirk: I’m so scared that everything I feel for you is just leftovers.

John tried to lift Dirk’s sunglasses, but he snatched his hand. Dirk sighed and walked to one of the chairs by the window in the room. The sun was just beginning to rise over the peaks outside. John moved towards him and bent down, carefully grabbing Dirk’s chin with his fingers.

John: it felt fresh to me.

Their lips met again, a brief moment this time rather than a full embrace. John backed away and Dirk rose from his chair.

Dirk: I think I need to go.

John: keep in touch?

Dirk smiled.

Dirk: Absolutely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congratulations u survived this fic
> 
> hope u enjoyed it, more similar wild fics are to come! but they'll probs be posted by my bud leothedino
> 
> tho i promise y'all, i do have a few serious fics coming! so keep an eye out!

**Author's Note:**

> good luck.


End file.
